My confession: a story of teenage depression finally overcome
The following is my confession and request for forgiveness:
From when I was a teenager in the early 2000s until late 2018, I exhibited some extremely dark patterns in my life. I got depressed around when I turned 17 in the year 2001 because I lost control of the ability to determine my own life. One of the significant things depression does is that it makes harm, and self-harm, feel good rather than bad. Pain becomes sexy; risky behavior becomes exciting; substance abuse becomes rewarding. I am by personality a risk-taker and an exhibitionist, the mix of those traits and my depression was immediately toxic. Those who knew me well back then know that I took to heavy drinking, driving rashly, and drinking and driving, like a fish to water, the moment I turned 18.
I externalized my sad feelings by taking a vow to achieve certain things in my life by age 35. I also (purposely) made the mistake of keeping my vow a total secret. I’m fortunate that I eventually got to attempt those things, and fortunate that I failed at them, and fortunate especially to learn many lessons about friendship, relationships and mental health on the long hard road I forced myself to walk from 17 to 35. I’m fortunate now to once again be wiser than most, even though I truly deeply regret having paid such a high price for this accomplishment. Please note: any time anyone takes a vow or is too attached to a particular outcome, they are likely depressed. Any time anyone is being dishonest with themselves, they are likely depressed.
I have now recovered from depression, as well as from subsequent crippling self-inflicted anxiety, and have, in recovery, processed the emotions of enough of the cases in which I was knowingly and unknowingly violent, to truly understand and deeply feel how regrettable those types of behaviors are. Previously, although I deeply regretted some particularly egregious dark episodes, I actually felt good about, or didn’t even consciously know about, a lot of my behavior.
I deeply apologize for, and truly regret, the following types of behavior:
· Objectifying women and transgressing boundaries
· Impropriety and harassment
· Emotional violence
· Inciting physical violence
· Verbal abuse
· Substance use and losing control
Going forward I have resolved to never knowingly harm anyone again, in particular by never allowing my logical reasoning and emotional reasoning to become so cognitively dissonant ever again. My darkest patterns of reckless substance abuse, episodes of emotional violence, and keeping secrets until they twist me inside out have been truly broken. I will probably once again occasionally enjoy drinking and other recreational substances in the future, but for now, while I continue to work on myself, I am voluntarily and spontaneously keeping an entirely “clean 2019” until my recovery is further confidently assured.
I hope the honest nature of this post gives some succor to my victims, several of whom are my dearest childhood friends. I know all of them only want the best for me and wish me the speediest and healthiest recovery. Over the next year or so I’ll be reaching out to many victims in an attempt to personally seek forgiveness for particular episodes and generally reconcile. If you have any recommendations, advice, or would like to reconnect, please do reach out. WhatsApp +13102957704 or email firstname.lastname@example.org are the best methods. I am principally based in the San Francisco Bay Area for now.
Thank you all. Please forgive me. I love you all.
Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea culpa.